Confessions of a Recovering Festivaholic

*SIGH* It's that time of year again.

Yay!  Christmas is coming!  I used to loved Christmas.  The decorations, the presents, the over-indulgence.  Sadly, I have now clicked over into the scary realms of Dickensian tight-wads.  I keep pleading with the three ghosts (four if you include Marley) to come and have a go if they think they're hard enough, but I think even my reputation for having an 'anger management issue' has kept them from knocking on my door on the eve of this holiest of Christian festivals.

I am accused by my family that I'm becoming The Grinch.  If truth be told, I agree totally!  But I would like to justify my Grinchiness by saying that as a loyal and hard working member of the delivery community that the FOUR MONTHS (yes, four months) up to the magical 10 minutes that Christmas is exciting is officially the worst time for us delivery folk.

The worst thing is, that this magical entity is taking all the credit for our hard work.  I'm the only jolly, tubby red faced guy who should be getting credit for this ... but alas, I'm not.  This guy and his crazy reindeer are getting all the praise!

Anyway, I'm not going to rattle on about my problems with Christmas, there are other fish to fry here!

Christmas Music (or "Why do the radio stations only play the same five Christmas tunes over and over and over and over again?)

I don't like Bruce Springsteen, I never have and I never will.  The only tune of his I liked was "Streets of Philadelphia".  But this horrendous noise they inflict on us every year with "Sanna Claus is Comin' Ta Town" is just the right weight to push me over the edge.  I never get festive chills listening to it ... ever!
Imagine if he had brought out a Christmas Album (he might have, but I have no interest in the guy).  Imagine the advert ... "Bruce Springsteen shouts his favourite Festive treats to make ears bleed all over the globe.  Frosty the Snowman is hiding behind the Little Drummer Boy in fear for his life.  Bruce destroys every sentiment within the hallowed 'Silent Night' as he walks through the streets of Bethlehem waking everyone from the Inn Keeper to the Lowing Cattle."
Nothing could make my stomach turn that having to listen to detritus like that!

So where can the radio stations improve?  I am sick of hearing the usual fare of Christmas tat that they throw at us day in day out.  Wizzard, Slade, Band Aid and Shakin' Stevens should be retired off in my opinion.  I feel sorry for Noddy, Roy et al as their bank balances would quickly deplete with the lack of festive goodness being thrust into them but COME ON PEOPLE!  There are songs that are overlooked.  Check out Thea Gilmore, Steeleye Span, The Lancashire Hotpots, HotPantz and even Avid Merrion.  Much better songs to play!  Why do they insist on the same stuff when there are more wonderful tunes to play?
I love to hear the local groups with Santa doing the very worthy collections around the street playing "Do They Know It's Christmas?" over their speakers.  There seems some delicious irony in there somewhere!

Speaking of "Do They Know It's Christmas?", I can tell you why Midge Ure has never received his Knighthood - factual inaccuracies in his lyrics to this song!  Are you sitting comfortably?  Then I shall begin:

1) "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas" - erm, what about those big snowy mountains?
2) "The Greatest Gift They'll Get this year is life" - erm, the most deprived parts of Africa are predominantly Muslim, therefore they do not celebrate Christmas.

Midge - I love your work, but you dropped the ball here.  To top it off, it has been re-released in various guises since its inception in the mid-80s and they haven't ironed out these mistakes.  If George Lucas or James Cameron had written it, it would have been polished and corrected by now, or if they had any sense they would have taken it round the back and put it out of it's misery!

PLEASE UNDERSTAND I am not in anyway disrespecting the work and the money raised from the song, over the years the money raised has helped to bring vital supplies to the most needy, I just think that it would be a good idea to do a follow-up with say a different tune and maybe some different lyrics for instance.

One of my favourite Christmas tunes is by the very naughty Gary Glitter.  He won't get played on the radio anymore.  This is tragic, as this song typifies Christmas to me.  Christmas, dancing and having a jolly good time (but without any alleged illegal activity Mr Glitter!).  As you can see from the picture above I purchased this song as it is no longer available on any Christmas CDs anywhere.  I was incredibly surprised to see that even iTunes was questioning my choice and decision to buy this seminal classic by asking me "Are you sure you want to buy and download 'Another Rock and Roll Christmas' Single?" - what you don't see is that when I pressed the "Buy" button another window came up simply saying "REALLY??", when I clicked "Yes" it came up with another window "This is 79p you are going to spend on this ... Think Carefully".  So I clicked on "Yes I do want to buy this" and it started downloading, but I sensed that somewhere a computer came to life in a government building and starting to snoop around my computer to see if there was anything suspicious on it.  Imagine their surprise when all they found was pictures of cats and a massive folder full of fundraising ideas and event photos!  Take that M.I.B.!!

So now you have been subjected to another one of my vents I will bow out.  If you have got this far then I congratulate you, if you got about three sentences through and gave up then I also congratulate you (though you won't actually see me congratulating you) for not allowing me to ruin your special time of year.

All that is left is for me to wish you all a very prosperous Christmas and a Happy New Year.  If you are not of the Christian Faith then I wish you Happy Holidays.  If you do not celebrate anything at this time of year then please send me your address and I will be round with box-sets of Blackadder and Green Wing so we can let this whole season pass us by!

Music is my first love and it will be my last (but don't tell the missus)

Tonight I intend on setting the record straight on what is wrong with the world.

I am a massive music fan and I will be blogging about this relentlessly for a while.  I have been looking to find a starting point for my blogging on music (I will explain more about this as my blogs get more boring and more trivia based) but I had an epiphany on Saturday night and thus the lecture begins!

Billy Joel should be the new Shakespeare

Billy Joel, yesterday

So, when I was growing up with parents that were significantly older than the other children's in my school I was much like the teenagers in Footloose.  Music was the demon.  Unless you were Frank Ifield or George Shearing then you were not permitted on the rotating needley thingy at the top of our stereo system.  I was brought up on the kind of mush that would make the meek want to become a beserker and cause havoc on the placid streets outside a nunnery.

My mother, God rest her soul, would go down on a Friday and purchase a single for my delectation.  This would usually be something like "There's no-one quite like Grandma" by the St Winifred's Choir or "Teddy Bear" by Red Sovine.  When I came home from school, fresh from the toil of a week of learning I would throw off my satchel (seriously, and this was 1982 guys) and just want to chill.  I would be confronted by this new rotating plastic demon that I would have to listen to and sit with a gooky smile on my face saying things like "aw, this is lovely" to.  But it was always coincidental that we would have visitors when I got home from school.  It felt like an early example of RADA for me.  I would have to 'perform' in front of a crowd.  **sigh**

So in 1985 I begged Santa to give me a ghetto blaster as my main present.  It was a beauty, it had two tape decks and could pick up FM and not just LW and MW!  My most cherished possession! I started listening to Radio York because on a Sunday lunchtime Chrissy Glazebrook (also sadly no longer with us) would play music that you wouldn't normally hear on her request show.  I was gathering an arsenal of music that would blow my mind.  However, I would have to wait for Santa to appear the following year to bring me a Walkman (or the Samsung equivalent) so I could go mobile with this new found love of my life.

In the front room my parents spent a ridiculous amount of money on a stacking stereo system.  Atop was a shiny record player.  This was just the most glorious thing I had ever seen.  I went into the town library and saw they had a collection of records that you could borrow for a week for a small charge and this meant that I could expand my collection through illegally downloading music from vinyl to tape to listen to on my ghetto blaster in my bedroom.

I went from Frank Ifield to Paul McCartney through The Police through Floyd through P.I.L. through the greatest find .... Billy Joel.  This man was a genius.  He used to be a boxer and now he had discovered the piano and lyrics.

Through this magical system with vinyl to tape and from that tape to tape I was able to spread the gospel according to Billy to all my friends in school.  The guy spoke to us all.  He made us laugh, cry and occasionally balk at his lyrics.

His words and songs were never aggressive.  He was a bit controversial with his songs about Vietnam and about the steel towns shutting down (but we didn't really understand those and usually fast-forwarded through them ones to be honest).  He shone a light on a generation.

**At this point I will dip back to the beginning of this blog.  On Saturday night we got the dreaded karaoke machine out and the Billy Joel disk came out.  I was so impressed that my son got up and knew all the lyrics to all the songs that came on ... bear with me - the punchline to this blog will be revealed soon, but this is one of the important parts of it**

I moved on through my musical life lapping up everything that was on offer.  Admittedly, I'm a bit lax nowadays with the modern music (which I promised my younger self that I never would) but I think you have to admit that certain genres do pass you by.  I have a collection of music on my iTunes library that goes from Opera to Thrash metal.  I think I'm pretty open minded - but some of this new stuff leaves me behind.

When I look back on the halcyon days of delivering the papers with Billy Joel "saying goodbye to Hollywood" and "telling her about it" I do it with a warm glow inside.  It was an innocent time.  I know that there were those crazy punk types wishing the monarchy were departed or that nuclear holocaust were upon us, but that wasn't for us youngsters - I wished that more of my school chums embraced the more innocent music before they left school.

This is my point!  However trite listening to someone whistling and yodeling on a song is classed as it's pure innocence.  That in my thoughts is what music should be about.  Yes, there are songs that put a point across and I applaud these guys for doing it.  Take your Billy Braggs, Chumbawambas (before they sold out) and Levellers (likewise).  They are all trying to get a statement across.  This should be applauded (Morrissey is an exception - he is a cock-end).  But come on guys.  Let's embrace The Brotherhood of Man and Goombay Dance Band.  They are all making music, albeit cheesy, to make us smile and bring us together.

Nowadays, the young are brought up with music that glorify violence.  The people who are writing, singing and promoting this stuff are bringing the world in to chaos and disorder.  It seems that singing a song that is telling you to 'pop a cap in yo bitches ass' is acceptable.  IT IS NOT!  Let's just take a step back and as Shakespeare said "If music be the food of love, play on".  Nowadays (disregarding the marketed mass manufactured crap that comes out of Cowell's ass) it seems that unless you are singing or creating music to shock and infuriate then it isn't mainstream.  Well I for one am glad that I listen to independent radio to hear the songs that those on the front line don't hear.  I would rather be in a "Place Called You" than have "99 problems" (cliche I know, but it's late and I'm not down with the 'kids').

Thus ends tonight's lecture.  I will be pawing over the music world again and again in a vain attempt to get me off the world of marketing and advertising (grr) as it is something I'm rather passionate about (but don't tell the missus ... please)

Hungry for more?? - Am I really that angry?

It was brought to my attention just yesterday that I seem to have a bit of an anger issue.  This kind of blind-sided me a little bit, but then I put a little thought into it and I realise that I have.  However, this is my private persona and not my public one.

Let us be straight, it was not always that way, I have been known to lose my rag in public and still do to a certain extent, but this is purely in a sarcastic manner at the great unwashed who insist on grinding my gears!

It would appear I am back seat road rager when we are pootling around in our work van.  Thankfully I am at least aware that my window is open and mutter my grumbles under my breath so that my company is not damaged in any way.

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So my first grumble of the night concerns my old adversary ... the Marketing people of the world!  I was left home alone as Deb and Steve were out working and had been left a Morrisons own lasagne.  The picture above does not show the meal obviously, but it does prove my point.

What you cannot see in this picture is the phrase "Serving Suggestion".  Not wanting to be funny, but who the hell did they pay for this photo and 'serving suggestion'?  It's a bloody lasagne on a bloody plate.  There isn't even a sprig of parsley on top, no garlic bread, no chips - no nothing.  Come on people - you are paid far too much money for this.  AND .... AND, have you ever successfully got a lasagne out of one of those plastic trays and it actually look like the photo?  For crying out loud Roger, it's ridiculous!  Maybe that's the suggestion ... "get the lasagne out and look like this, you pleb" should maybe replacing "Serving Suggestion" on the box!  ARGGHHHHHH!!!

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My second grumble concerns this man, Liam Dutton.

Before I start and probably get sued for defamation of character by Mr Dutton I would like to point out that this event occurred nearly three years ago and since then he has moved to Channel 4 news his forecasting has improved somewhat!

Picture the scene, I am sat 'nomming' on my corn flakes while watching BBC Breakfast one Saturday morning when Liam Dutton comes on.  He is all jovial and brightens up my day with his optimistic forecast for the day where he shows Scarborough with glorious weather.  I thinks to myself 'hurrah, shorts and polo shirt is the order of the day'.

I go to work and load up for my delivery and as soon as I'm dropped off at the first house with my pushbike and bag, the heavens opened.  I don't mean rain, I mean a monsoon of biblical proportions.  Not only that, but it lasted the whole four hours I was out delivering.  To use the words 'drowned rat' would be the biggest understatement ever.  I was damp in places I didn't think I could ever get damp!

When I got home my family gave me the usual amount of sympathy that I usually get (this includes the statutory rolling on the floor laughing and pointing in amusement).

I was not on this Twittery thing at the time but Steve was and he told me that he had found Liam Dutton on there.  So through him I sent a tweet asking him to apologise to all postmen/women in the YO11 district of Scarborough for getting the weather wrong.

Liam, bless his heart, actually replied to Steve's tweet but it was not a response I was expecting.  He simply replied "I have checked my weather stations in the YO11 area and none of them detected any rain".  I was gobsmacked.  The bloke even got the weather wrong AFTER it had happened.

From that moment on myself and Mr Dutton became sworn enemies (even though Liam had never ever heard of me - I'm sure his ears were burning).

However, as mentioned earlier, watching Channel 4 news a couple of months ago he got the weather spot on - is this a conspiracy forming that the BBC are feeding us misinformation? or is it just that he has actually learned his craft properly now??

Monday this week Carol Kirkwood on BBC Breakfast told us that at 2pm there would be a downpour in the Scarborough area and I kid you not, my phone beeped the arrived of 2pm and the heavens opened on the dot!  I was drenched, but I was pleased to have been forewarned about it (even though I didn't have any weatherproof gear on - I suspect that was an echo from that time when Liam Dutton misinformed me about the weather ... Did I ever mention that?

That ends my grumble tonight.  I'm going off now to get some anger management and find something else to moan about!

A time of reflection ... One year on from the loss of a loved one

Dave Landray

2/2/60 - 31/7/12

It is the eve of the passing of my brother Dave.  A time of reflection.

I am not going to be maudlin or depressing in this post.  Alas, I wish this to be a celebration of his life.  I apologise in advance if I cause offense by this blog but I feel it is always best to reflect the fun times and not the bad!

Dave, like many people who revolve(d) in my circle has been the butt of some of my wind-ups caused by a particularly pesky Dark Passenger* that I carry around with me.  I just can't help myself sometimes - this is just who I am.  Most times it is funny, it has been known to be occassionally cruel and for that I apologise profusely that I have done this to.  I keep chipping away at a book I'm writing about my Dark Passenger* and that one day Karma is going to well and truly kick my arse!

Anyway, I shall begin:

One Sunday night myself and my lovely wife were fighting going to bed as that would mean the end of the weekend.  I was having a responsibly enjoyed glass of wine while watching Dexter* (* the asterix I should point out is a bit of a pun as the two are connected - Thank you Jeff Lindsay for that).
All of a sudden from out of nowhere my phone boings to let me know of an incoming SMS.  I giggle excitedly as it means that someone out there really likes me.  I check the phone and it is our Dave.  He is at a pub quiz and needs to know the real name of Tiger Woods.  Quick as a flash I reply with "Ramsay Tupper".

I was chortling away to myself as he replied "Thank you.  I'm going to win this".  In retrospect I should have told him it was Eldrick Tont Woods, but that pesky Dark Passenger* had made an appearance.

I left it for a couple of minutes then the angel on my left shoulder sent a shudder of panic down my spine that maybe I should come clean before he makes a fool out of himself.  I decided then to text him back saying "Don't give that answer!  Read it out loud to yourself first!".  To which after ten minutes that felt like three weeks with the sweat like frost on my brow I get a reply simply saying "TWAT!".

I was told at a later date that when he read the answer out (coincidently at exactly the same time I had sent him the warning text) the whole pub collapsed with laughter.  I did explain in my follow up text that I didn't condone the use of mobile phones at pub quizzes as I had been wrongly accused of cheating at a quiz one night for knowing 20 Beatles tracks - pffft, the quiz master obviously didn't know that I am the music god!

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Our Dave's birthday was 2nd February which to those who are into world calendars will know is Groundhog Day.  For his birthday treat he called Yorkshire Coast Radio (our local 'independent' station) and told Barry Robinson (erm, Legend ... much like Danny Wilde!) to play "I got you babe" by Sonny and Cher to celebrate the big day.  Sadly, Barry didn't play this song, he played "Lazy Sunday Afternoons" by The Faces ... This is funny on two levels, firstly our Dave was never lucky, but secondly it was announced "It's Groundhog Day and this goes out to Dave who's celebrating his birthday" to which the song started with the line "Wouldn't it be nice to get on with mi neighbours".  He told me that not only did his heart sink because he didn't play the song he requested, but the first line of the song made it sound like he hated everyone who lived around him.  He spent the next two days behind his front curtains occassionally checking to see if they were outside with a burning cross or a big bag of dog shit and a match!

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I really looked up to Dave, he was a fantastic brother, whom I miss on a daily basis and wish that for just one day he could come back and I could give him a hug and talk the codshit that we used to spout to each other.

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Let us get it right, he was not always the victim in our get togethers!  Not only was his flatulence legendary - he could physically hover above his seat when we were gathered around playing Trivial Pursuit on a night.  In fact, one night I timed a 32 second fart that towards the end sounded dangerous - even the look on Dave's face showed that even he wasn't particularly happy with the way this one was going.  Thankfully no mud was drawn!

Upon announcing to my other brother Tony that myself and Debbie were expecting a baby, Tony embraced this news as a loving family member should - he even offered me a glass of wine at 9:30 in the morning - which was a bit early, even for me!  HOWEVER, when I went to see Dave and tell him our fabulous news he just looked at me with glazed over, wide eyes and snorted saying "Ha! Financial Deprivation starts here bro!"  I suppose I expected nothing less!

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In the last couple of years of his life Dave found peace with religion.  I am not a religious person and for that I may or may not go to hell!  But I never knock people's belief system.  I envy them to be honest, they have a light at the end of the tunnel - I just have an unbiased view that something may or may not happen when I my light is extinguished from this world!

The people from the church were with him all the way at the end.  Pastor Paul from the church gave a fantastic service at the funeral.  It was quite surreal as his sermon was done on an iPad - there was no pulpit or musty smelling books in sight!

The best part of the funeral was that it was a bright colour funeral.  The family had decided that this was a celebration of life not a mourning.  I had to dust down my comedy character ties from within the dark and dim closet (they were just left of Mr Tumnus's house!).

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When someone from your own family dies it is heartbreaking.  When you lose a sibling that is harder as it makes you realise that you aren't immortal.  If anything has come from the passing of our Dave is to live life to the best of your abilities and finance.  I have thrown myself into my family, friends, work, and my fundraising.  I can rest my head on a night and know that I'm on the right side of the line even though I have my Dark Passenger* to contend with!

I miss you with all my heart Dave and tomorrow I shall be belting out to some Steeleye Span with the amp set to 11!  Love ya bro xx

****As a comical postscript to this, as I was proof reading this, "Spirit in the Sky" by Dr and the Medics came on!  This was played at his wake - which I thought was disrespectful until I found out it was a CD from his 'favourites' folder on his iTunes collection - Fantastic ... Love it Dave****

Caveat Emptor - Those pesky marketing guys are after your cash AGAIN!

Grrrr!  Marketing people need to be strung up by their curly bits!!

There I was on Tuesday just whiling away the gentle warmth of the afternoon when along comes the advert for "Eddie Stobart's Trucking Anthems".  They struggled with "The Perfect Gift For ..." bit because there doesn't seem to be any Hallmark moments around at the moment - July is a quiet time for the card manufacturers ... However, they could have used the 'end of school' thing and said "The Perfect Gift for Your Teacher" or something trite like that!

The track listing is EXACTLY the same as "Top Gear Anthems".  ZZ Top, Status Quo, Thin Lizzy et al.  Grrr!  PEOPLE - DON'T BE FOOLED.  LOOK AT YOUR iTUNES LIBRARY AND SEE THAT YOU ALREADY HAVE THESE SONGS MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!

Then, as I settled down with my small glass of port to enjoy The One Show's "Best of British" I find that the schedule had been hijacked by the birth of our new king (congrats to Kate and Will - please don't think I'm lining myself up for treason here, please sir!).

Every channel was doing the 'rolling' news thing stood outside doors saying things like "We don't know anything yet".  Sigh!  I'm paying a lot of money for this.  I resorted to putting UK GOLD on to watch the birth of Prince Harry (sic).

So now we all stand there with bated breath waiting for the tsunami of royal baby crap to roll onto the shelves of Shell garages everywhere.  I think they should reuse all of those collector's plates left over from the Royal Wedding two years ago.  At the end of the day, it's worked for Eddie Stobart/Top Gear (The StoGear Complex as it shall now be known).

After all, as my final point, we do have to recycle - but there has to be a fine line that MUST NOT be crossed.  I fear that this line is about to be kicked to death by the suits in offices all around Soho!  Sigh!

Hooray hooray it's a British holiday pt.1

So I have had the amazing opportunity to enjoy a couple of holidays this last four weeks.  Before you start speaking behind your hands saying that "I'm one of those that are always jetting away to foreign climes for crazy hedonistic weeks in the sun" I will clarify my stance on this.  We are an ordinary working family who are always being chased by those with the red letters begging us to pay for things that we can barely afford - these include electric, gas and roof over head etc ...

I will level with you.  The terrible weather last year was our fault!  I apologise profusely for that.  We bought a trailer tent off the monster-in-law last year and the following day was the start of the 18 months of winter we suffered.  I am not proud of that, but I'm an honest person and feel that this should be the time I confess to this major error in our gulf stream.  Were I to hang my head any further in shame then I would alas suffer from irreparable spinal injuries!

However, this year I feel that the planets may have aligned in our favour.  The horrendous weather finally broke and went from 'too cold' to 'too hot' very quickly.  Thus giving us chance to get the 'Arkansas Chuggabug' out of the garage and finally enjoy the beautiful British country.

Cambridgeshire

Our first venture was down to the idyllic St. Neots in the amazing Cambridgeshire. The campsite there was absolutely perfect.  I can recommend this site to everyone.  We looked out of our awning to the beautiful Great Ouse river.  There were swans with their cygnets and ducks with their ducklings.  What greater way could you wish to wake up to?

 Now the town of St. Neots is a strange but beautiful place.  It has a fantastic setting with a pub on the river, an awesome town square setting and not forgetting an amazing radio station, Black Cat Radio http://www.blackcatradio.biz - the helm of the ship being the legend that is Gary Lee.  We had the honour of meeting him and having a couple of responsibly enjoyed drinks whilst discussing the future of community radio with him.  Please visit their website and give your support to get the FM licence that they deserve.

While we were there we enjoyed some fantastic sights.  The Duxford Air Field is one of the greatest days out we have had.We spent the whole day there and didn't see the whole museum - that was mainly because our feet could not take any more.  This was just the ticket for a holiday.  Did you know they have the Memphis Belle and the Concorde there?  That was worth the money in itself.

However, with every silver lining there is always a dark cloud.  We had saved up all year to visit the Tower of London.  We were doing little wees all over the place to see this exhibit.  What an absolute waste of time that was.

We spent £62.50 (after the voluntary donation which we didn't know about) to get in.  We walked through the door needing a wee wee and could only find four urinals in the whole site and then when we relieved ourselves went to get food straight after at 12:30 to find that the food was sold out.  We had to share a hot dog and a flapjack between three of us.  Not impressed.

When we didn't think it could get much worse we then moved onto the exhibitions ... Why did we bother?  There was a TWO HOUR queue for the Crown Jewels and the only exhibit we could actually get into was the White Tower which was overcrowded and all we saw was the back of peoples heads as we walked around.  After just an hour and a half we decided to cut our losses and leave the Tower.  (Bear in mind we had spent £62.50 (with voluntary donation that we didn't know about) to get in).  That meant that the colossal misfire had cost us £41.67 per hour which in my mind was NOT value for money, I was understandably in a bit of a bad mood!

That aside London was still pretty crap!  We had to suffer the rude and ignorant people jostling us on the street.  Don't get me started about the price of the food ... For a main course in Leicester Square we managed to feed the family with £6 change in Epping.  Grr!

Another highlight of the week was visiting the beautiful city of Cambridge.  This was an education in itself.  The map we bought at the park and ride told us not to expect "students cycling everywhere - we are not that kind of place" ... erm yes you are!  But that was just amusing.  The highlights of our visit were many.

1) Students cycling everywhere.
2) People punting.  This was fantastic on every level.  There were the professional punters that took people on the guided tours - these guys were legends.  There were the people who thought that punting came naturally to them only to fall into the River Cam with people taking pictures. Finally there were the odd punting sticks (apologies for incorrect terminology) sticking out of the river ... We had a thought that these people were thrown into a maelstrom of chaos that was the Willy Wonka tunnel that the river keeps on flowing ....
3) The guy that was busking with only a saw and a bolt (that is not a joke).  Britain's Got Talent is missing out there.  We walked past him chuckling, only realising after that there is an opportunity to make him an internet sensation (making sure he was paid of course!).
4) Kings College: This deserves a pause ....

We went there under duress from my lovely wife.  She told me that she wanted to visit the chapel there.
 Those who know me know that there is a shudder goes down my spine when I visit anything religious.  I get the feeling that the anti-christ may be in my veins!
We walked through what I can only describe as the most exquisite chapel I have ever seen.  It was very serene apart from the organist just playing every note on the scale.  We were loving the beautiful stained glass and the whole history while listening to A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H and associated #'s.  As we walked into the exhibit showing the history of the War of the Roses I made a quip to my son about organist hitting the "Brown Note".  This was the death knoll of the serenity of the whole chapel.  We started giggling like school kids and came close to being booted out for giggling like children.  You have to understand that when myself and my son get a daft idea in our heads we chuckle like Muttley.  Needless to say that this was not condoned by not only the visitors of the chapel but the brethren that were there to answer our questions and bask in the beauty of the tranquility of the chapel.  My wife was obviously unimpressed by our behaviour and we were suitably chastised  when we left the hallowed building for our childlike behaviour!

Finally for this part of my rant I would like to share a part of my life that much akin to Groundhog Day.

I am an incredibly approachable guy.  I will chew the fat with anyone.  If people have prejudiced views I will listen to their comments but will never respond.  However, I came close to lamping one guy on the campsite on our final night of being in this beautiful area of our green and pleasant land.

This chap was walking his dog past our tent as did many others during our stay.  I went to give his dog a fuss and broke into the conversation about the fact that we had been feeding the duck and cygnets (from earlier if you've really been reading it all) bread.  Well, that was just the start of his lectures.  I learned from this guy (over a half an hour period) that:

1) Bread (unless toasted) can kill birds
2) He lost his wife two years ago and his dog is his only company
3) Driving any faster than 50 miles an hour is just plain stupid - any more than that is uneconomical.
4) He walks a lot ... I won't bore you with the details but he did to me!  I think I know the whole of the Peak District now *Sigh*
5) Women shouldn't drive
6) The Polish should be fired out of cannons and we should build a wall around our isle and bare our private parts to the French's aunts.
7) His daughter (very interestingly) had been invited to Milan for a fashion show and he was dog sitting.
8) If you need to wee when you are talking to him you must wait at least another 20 minutes until he feels that he has no more words to come out of his gob.

I walked back to our tent a broken man.  My wife and son were literally crying tears into the kettle because of the fact that I'm too nice to tell these people to F**k Off.  I could have completed three levels of Candy Crush Saga in the time he bent my ear!

Anyway.  I do have a follow up to this "most excellent adventure" but I'm a bit tired now and so will continue this rant tomorrow.  The following story will involve a bit of positivity and a lovely story about raising funds for charity.

Until then, I bid you adieu xx

Product Placement .... The "Where's Wally" of the 21st Century??

So, there is a new kid on the block.  The mighty "P" appearing in the corner of our screens everytime a TV show starts.  The Product Placement "warning".

This to me has become my new nemesis.  No longer can I watch a programme that the little P in the corner appears in without not being able to follow the storyline.  All I do is look for the products placed within!

I spent the whole hour of 'Deal or No Deal' hunting down the product that had been placed.  We mused as to whether it was a holiday that was being dangled infront of the contestant by a certain online holiday company.  Alas, we were horribly wrong.  It turned out to be a logo on the side of the cup they were drinking from with a logo from a famous tea company!  Argh!  It's officially like playing "Where's Wally" (or "Where's Waldo" if you are from the US!).

Sadly this is now my life.  If you ask me what has happened in the first seven seasons of Seinfeld, I cannot tell you a jot ... having said that, there is so much going on in a Seinfeld episode that you struggle to keep up!  I'm still digesting that Kramer's first name is Cosmo! (A staggering fact is that we actually heard someone calling their child over at Flamingo Land a few weeks ago and he too was called Cosmo!).

However, on the subject of Seinfeld, I can tell you that every time I watch it I really want to dust off my copy of Child's Play on VHS while simultaneously playing the board game Taboo whilst blogging on my Apple Duo Dock II. 

The mere sight of a bookshelf in the background sends me into an absolute secret hoarders tailspin.  I just want to see if this person on the screen shares the same taste in movies, books, games and art as I.  It is reassuring that someone as big and famous as Jerry Seinfeld has the same taste in movies as me.  He plays the same board games as me.  Hey, maybe I should invite him and Cosmo over to our house one night for a game and movie night.  We can share some carefully placed products that are on our shelves and laugh about what that crazy George Costanza is getting himself into next.

But wait a gosh darn minute ... Seinfeld ended in 1998.  Does that mean that we may have chosen different paths?  Does he now watch Transformer movies while I delve into the lesser French language movies of Luc Besson?  Does he now play Twister while I'm a big Quelf fan?  All these questions!  It's just all too stressing.  Have I slipped off the path of righteousness or has he?  I just don't know!

What do I have to do to keep my inner product placement junkie sated?  I cannot lower myself to watch Coronation Street or Deal or No Deal any more.  None of the programmes I watch nowadays have the little "P" in the corner.  Maybe I'm just going to watch re-runs of 90s programmes when things were simple then.  No need for the the big brother "P" staring at me from the corner!

I am now addicted to the news channels.  Outside broadcasts give me a little hit.  You can see a journalist stood on a high street in front of shops.  I love to see how the 'other half' live.  In Scarborough we have a generic high street, you have to go off the radar to see the unique local shops (I'm a big shop local person by the way - vive la revolutione!).  But it nice to see that Chipping Norton has a Pret-A-Manger and we don't.

In an ideal world with this magical "57 channels and (a) nothing on" we should have a dedicated Bookshelf channel that shows celebrities bookshelves and DVD collections.  That would bring me warmth, more warmth than the magical Fire channel that the crazy Dutch brought us in the 90s (that was probably sponsored by "Swan Vesta").

Product placement is going to be either the cause of ultimate blindness staring too closely at screens looking for "Wally" or it is going to be my untimely death caused by looking for the new stripey clothed guy!  May the goths save us all!

Tipping Point ... The saviour of Peak Time Telly??

Imagine my surprise as I sat down with my tea to watch mediocre early evening television to be greeted by Ben Shepard standing in front of an oversized 2p shover and four contestants that had been overdoing the blue smarties in the green room vieing to win an possible £10,000 from answering questions and putting disks into the aforementioned machine.

At first I was just weeping with sadness that near prime-time telly had reached a new low, but then after about 10 minutes of watching found myself hooked.  I was rooting for people to win (usually the underdog) and cheering when the cocky one made a fatal flaw by selecting 'zone 1' instead of 'zone 3' and winning jack poop.

I was more surprised when someone actually won the £10k out of the machine at the end.  Could this be possible?  I had after all spent about £20 one day trying to win a knock off Pokemon character out of one in Corrigan's "Slots of Fun" only the day before and failed miserably.

This made me think.  If they can do this with a simple premise of a 2p shover then surely the possibilities are endless.  So I sat in my quiet space (or naughty step as everyone else in the family calls it) and came up with a new winning formula that I'm hoping ITV will like and pay me millions for the concept.  It's simple, but I would stare at, zombie like for a whole hour - even taking in the adverts for PPI mis-selling, accident helplines and cash for gold companies along the way.

So my idea goes like this.  Howard Brown (aka Howard from the Halifax adverts) would front a show called "Chicken Point".  It would bolster his waning career and would also bring a much needed change from the tired line of usual suspects appearing as presenters on other quiz shows currently on TV.  Now I'm not saying he will ever excel over the mighty (and in my opinion) god of the quiz show Bradley Walsh, but he will come a very close second.

The game involves contestants who must refer to the host only as "Howard from the Halifax" with pockets full of 20p coins taking it in turns to answer questions and the correct answer gives them the opportunity to slot and get an egg from "The Chicken Machine" (circa 1980).  The chicken will cluck, rotate and pop a little egg out into the little hatch at the bottom of the machine.

Excitedly, the contestant will take the egg and bask in the glory of the prize before them.  At that point they have the chance to gamble ... do they want to open the egg to see if it contains a prize they want (say for instance a waterproof hair hood or a plastic whistle) or wait and see if it contains the special banded strip of tickets which they can exchange for greater value goods - an example would be 500 tickets equating to an eraser with the ITV logo on it, or 20,000 for an ornamental saucy PVC lifeguard.

The contestants would quiver with excitement, the audience would continually give awed hushes as fortunes are won and lost on the life changing decisions before them.

Eventually, the last contest goes forward to the mega-chicken.  They have to answer as many questions as possible within 60 seconds with every correct answer equating to a golden 20p that can go in for them to win prizes like oversized soft toy cows and barely passing inspection toys from Korea that look something like characters from television shows and computer games.

Then after the final piece of glitter falls from the ceiling it is left to Paul Sinnha to answer sensible questions while chasing people down a grid winning real cash on a serious and worthy quiz show that in my opinion should just have a channel of it's own.

And that is it really.  The future of television quizzing is in our hands.  Do we want banal and indecipherable quizzes on our TV like "GoldenBalls" or do we want simple Arcade based quizzes that involve risk, 20p's and witty banter amongst contests and views alike!

Continuing from yesterdays ramblings

So, as I said yesterday, we went a bargain hunting in York.  I was amazed at the children's toy section at the rubbish they try to punt off to us unsuspecting parents.  It seems that there is some suit in a factory pawing over the piles of unsellable junk on pallets pondering on how best to market it and ship it out to the laps of kids world wide.  At the start of the aisle you are subjected to the well known stuff ... Moshi Monsters, Spongebob and Hello Kitty.  But then as you go down the aisle you start to find yourself in a mire of slightly dubious merchandise.  I noticed that there was a lot of Amazing Spiderman toys, most were unrelated to the movie or character.  There was (see picture above) an electronic keyboard with The Amazing Spiderman on it.  Now I struggled to get my head around why Spiderman would indeed want a 25 key, 5 tone keyboard with his name on it.  Could it be that his alter-ego is actually Andy McCluskey from OMD or Vince Clarke from Erasure/Depeche Mode/Yazoo?  Or is this as I suspected just an opportunity to empty warehouses and fill our litterbins with unwanted lazy branded crap?
Worse still was the "Sensational Spiderman" stuff.  That's even lazier than actually trying to use an established brand.  It's like the junk shops selling Ondrex toilet paper (ooh, we shall change just one letter and it will be enough to fool the peasants into buying this low quality knock off).
Therefore, I feel that opportunites have been missed by the marketing staff of Garbage Inc. and am giving to the world the first look at the new improved line of children's toys.  Today I offer up "The King's Speech" Electronic Keyboard.  It is backed by a globally successful movie that won Oscars and BAFTAs.  It is based on fact, thus it can be classed as educational.  However, I must warn you not to use the notes F or F# unless you want fragile ears to be forever ringing with the swearier parts of the movie.
We will see how this marketing campaign works.  I'm thinking of following it up with a range of Scary Movie V crayons and maybe Olsen Twins retainer gum shields.  The possibilities are endless.

So.  Many people who hit the "midlife crisis" buy sports cars.  I'm not that material.  Instead I shall just plump for blogging instead.

First time blogger.  I'm not sure how this thing works so I apologise in advance for the ramblings on this first blog.  I hope they will get more structured in the future!

So, a little about myself  ... that's a good place to start. 

I've just hit 40.  For some it's a milestone, to me it's just a number.  People get depressed about their age, I don't.  You buy a car with 100k on the clock and some wince, I just look and see it has history.  I have history, albeit a bit dull, but a history nonetheless.

I'm very happily married with a 16 year old son who seems to be bucking the trend on the teenager thing.  He hasn't turned into Kevin (or Perry) (yet).  I work as a postman in our local village, and am the captain of a fundraising group called Wonkey McDonky.  So that's not mad in the least is it?

I shall start this first blog by telling you about my week.  This week saw a momentous occasion, a week off.  So we had an opportunity to do things that without the restrictions of the corporate shackles around us.

Monday and Tuesday saw myself and Debbie having the house to ourselves as Steve was at work.  We just whiled the days away playing Candy Crush and looking after our neighbour's dog whilst they had a couple of days away from the world.  Bow the dog is a nutjob.  She is lovely but is a very bouncy black Lab.  I have now successfully learned every move there is in the doggie tango set.  I would walk in and would have to do a merry dance as I negotiated the hallway.  She is great, but taking her for a walk reminded me why I would never own a dog ... the pesky "pick up after drop off" thing.  Eugh!

 Wednesday we went to the Beamish museum up in Chester-Le-Street.  A most excellent day out.  I say this because I charge my 'fun time' out at £10 an hour, and the families tickets cost £45 - we were there for 6 hours.  I class that as a win on my behalf.  The added bonus is that I also possess the mighty power of visiting the museum for the whole year for free now.  That's money in the bank every time I walk through their gates!

Thursday we went out for a meal to the Dacre Arms in Brandesburton.  A meal I cannot fault.  The food was out of this world, the staff were tremendous and the setting was beautiful.  We followed that with one of those little crazy moments by going to the theatre in the cinema!

Pellow falls from his Pedestal!

We are not one of the fortunate families that live in the hub of cultural madness.  We live in Scarborough.  OK so we have the world famous Stephen Joseph Theatre and the Open Air Theatre, but when it comes to seeing anything big we have to travel a great distance being on the bum end of the A64.  So when I found out that Jeff Wayne's The War Of The Worlds was going to be screened on cinema screens around the UK I just had to get a bit of that big boy.

For us to go and see the show live it would have cost us in excess of £300 with tickets, travel and hotels and with superficial things like heating, lighting and food bills to pay this was a bit of a no-no. So having seen Genesis live many years ago at a cinema we thought this would be a great experience to see at the cinema.  We were not disappointed.

Aside from the fact that we had only spent £28 on tickets (which is a bit of a bonus), the show also had a close-up view of the whole of the show.  We didn't see the full hologram of Liam Neeson in it's splendour but that was a small price to pay.  The show was just EPIC.  The only thing that spoiled it was Marti Pellow.  He completely destroyed "Forever Autumn" - the seminal classic which most of the non-TWOTW fans know.  I am not here to destroy people's careers, because I am not that kind of person.  Needless to say, that early Wet Wet Wet stuff was good.  "Love is All Around" is one of my top 5 most hated songs ever - purely because of the length of the song and the fact that it was at the top of the chart for about 50 years.  But when he came on stage and over-egged the performance I was bitterly disappointed.

However, the redeeming factors of the show have to have been Ricky Wilson (aka Mr Kaiser Chiefs) and Jason Donovan.  JD actually moved me like I have never been moved before.  I have known people who have been so demented by their beliefs and have seen his performance played out first hand in reality.  If he doesn't get put forward for an Ivor Novello then I quit this whole congratulatory back patting that the celebs do once a year!

We walked away from the experience on a high.  It is repeated only once more today (14th April) and if you read this in time I beg you to go and see the technical spectacle that is TWOTW.  Amazing.  (It's on blu-ray in november ... The perfect gift for Christmas!)

Friday ... Oh a lot happened that day!

 So I was invited to listen into The Scary Guy Radio Show by Gary.  He told me that it's the place to be.  Sadly it was the day of my 'surprise' party to celebrate my 40th birthday (the 'surprise' bit I will keep for another time).  I duly sent him a message on facebook saying that I was listening to which he responded that I should call them up and speak to them about how meeting The Scary Guy had changed my life.  I tried to ring but got told by the automated lady on the phone that the number was oversubscribed and I should try again later.  I messaged him to tell him this and he told me to ring NOW!  So I sucked in my breath and did as he said.

As the phone was picked up, I got straight through to Scary.  The radio had them just talking away so I thought that maybe they were recording me and were going to edit the conversation down so they could use soundbites.  I discussed the fact that I didn't have the statutory "aye up" speak that us northerners are portrayed as having and then went into a massive 20 minute discussion about how Scary had changed my life.  After the convo on the phone I replaced the receiver and walked back into the front room to hear my voice still going on the radio show.  Had I known there was a 2 minute delay due to digital lag I would have maybe have chosen my words more carefully.  I have been assured that I came across well and didn't use any inappropriate language (which I don't when speaking publicly thankfully).

I went on the chatroom afterwards and just saw a wall full of "Respect to Trev" and "Loving Trev" on the wall.  It choked me a bit.  To know that I had been inadvertently broadcast around the world without me knowing and getting messages from people in Germany, Australia and the USA was astounding.  I wasn't expecting that at all.  Needless to say I was shaking like a dog having a poop when I realised that I had gone out live globally!

After that I had a 'surprise' party to celebrate me hitting a milestone age.  Debbie had organised this event via the magic of Facebook.  She told me that there would be no surprises (under my rules and regs of the marriage vows) but there would be some people there I hadn't seen for a while.

The first surprise was blown when a friend in Lincoln send me a PM saying that he and his girlfriend would not attend (that's one for another blog).  I then found out on the day that my sister-in-law would be attending and then answered the door to a surprise birthday cake from a friend.  I get the feeling that the surprise fairy was on my side that day!

We had a great evening with some unexpected guests arriving and reminiscing about the time I was a bitter and twisted digital printer.  The music (chosen by myself) was a bit of a cheat because I had just taken the playlist from our Christmas party and taken all the festive songs out.  It was a bit of a surprise when Chocolate Salty Balls and The Chicken Song came on to be honest, but that's how my head works!

Saturday was just a 'chill out day'

Disturbingly I woke up without a bad head or anything like a hangover after the festivities the night before so we decided to take a trip to York to have some retail therapy (which involved me buying new trainers, a box of Smarties and getting a burger from the van at Monk's Cross).  However my Dark Passenger(more to be revealed at a later date) allowed me the opportunity for badness at the shops around the shopping precincts!

Firstly I had bad flatulence from the fodder and beverages that were bestowed upon me from the night before so I could leave carpet slippers in the aisles of shops that would make the devil himself weep, but it gave me carte blanche to behave badly in the stores and cause people to look at us all in a strange way.  Once again I shall share these stories with you at a later date (once I have worked out adding photos et al). 

Needless to say this has been one of the greatest weeks off I have had in years.  My Auntie Fay reached a point in her life where she did the old 'what the hell' thing and I'm getting that way myself.  I always do it without intentionally causing offence, but I like to do it in style.  I am here to give love and have fun, and I hope that my meanderings with both inspire you and not cause aforementioned offence. 

I'm signing off now as I promised Debbie I would be in bed 35 minutes ago and I have no doubt I will be in the dog house for the next 24 hours, which will be a bummer as it is my 40th birthday after all!

Thank you for being patient with this drivel I have spouted.  I hope you've enjoyed it, if not please let me know, but please don't be offensive ... I don't like any nastiness, just constructive criticisms.  There will be a weekly blog from now on, but on special occassions there may be further meanderings from my slightly warped mind.
Spread the love!
And for those who want to know more about the garbage I've spouted tonight please visit:
http://www.wonkeymcdonky.co.uk
http://www.thescaryguy.com
http://www.heyzradio.com/shows/scary-guy-radio/

Thus ends my lecture tonight.

Much love
Trevski xx