Yay! Christmas is coming! I used to loved Christmas. The decorations, the presents, the over-indulgence. Sadly, I have now clicked over into the scary realms of Dickensian tight-wads. I keep pleading with the three ghosts (four if you include Marley) to come and have a go if they think they're hard enough, but I think even my reputation for having an 'anger management issue' has kept them from knocking on my door on the eve of this holiest of Christian festivals.
The worst thing is, that this magical entity is taking all the credit for our hard work. I'm the only jolly, tubby red faced guy who should be getting credit for this ... but alas, I'm not. This guy and his crazy reindeer are getting all the praise!
Anyway, I'm not going to rattle on about my problems with Christmas, there are other fish to fry here!
Christmas Music (or "Why do the radio stations only play the same five Christmas tunes over and over and over and over again?)
I don't like Bruce Springsteen, I never have and I never will. The only tune of his I liked was "Streets of Philadelphia". But this horrendous noise they inflict on us every year with "Sanna Claus is Comin' Ta Town" is just the right weight to push me over the edge. I never get festive chills listening to it ... ever!
Imagine if he had brought out a Christmas Album (he might have, but I have no interest in the guy). Imagine the advert ... "Bruce Springsteen shouts his favourite Festive treats to make ears bleed all over the globe. Frosty the Snowman is hiding behind the Little Drummer Boy in fear for his life. Bruce destroys every sentiment within the hallowed 'Silent Night' as he walks through the streets of Bethlehem waking everyone from the Inn Keeper to the Lowing Cattle."
Nothing could make my stomach turn that having to listen to detritus like that!
So where can the radio stations improve? I am sick of hearing the usual fare of Christmas tat that they throw at us day in day out. Wizzard, Slade, Band Aid and Shakin' Stevens should be retired off in my opinion. I feel sorry for Noddy, Roy et al as their bank balances would quickly deplete with the lack of festive goodness being thrust into them but COME ON PEOPLE! There are songs that are overlooked. Check out Thea Gilmore, Steeleye Span, The Lancashire Hotpots, HotPantz and even Avid Merrion. Much better songs to play! Why do they insist on the same stuff when there are more wonderful tunes to play?
I love to hear the local groups with Santa doing the very worthy collections around the street playing "Do They Know It's Christmas?" over their speakers. There seems some delicious irony in there somewhere!
Speaking of "Do They Know It's Christmas?", I can tell you why Midge Ure has never received his Knighthood - factual inaccuracies in his lyrics to this song! Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin:
1) "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas" - erm, what about those big snowy mountains?
2) "The Greatest Gift They'll Get this year is life" - erm, the most deprived parts of Africa are predominantly Muslim, therefore they do not celebrate Christmas.
Midge - I love your work, but you dropped the ball here. To top it off, it has been re-released in various guises since its inception in the mid-80s and they haven't ironed out these mistakes. If George Lucas or James Cameron had written it, it would have been polished and corrected by now, or if they had any sense they would have taken it round the back and put it out of it's misery!
PLEASE UNDERSTAND I am not in anyway disrespecting the work and the money raised from the song, over the years the money raised has helped to bring vital supplies to the most needy, I just think that it would be a good idea to do a follow-up with say a different tune and maybe some different lyrics for instance.
One of my favourite Christmas tunes is by the very naughty Gary Glitter. He won't get played on the radio anymore. This is tragic, as this song typifies Christmas to me. Christmas, dancing and having a jolly good time (but without any alleged illegal activity Mr Glitter!). As you can see from the picture above I purchased this song as it is no longer available on any Christmas CDs anywhere. I was incredibly surprised to see that even iTunes was questioning my choice and decision to buy this seminal classic by asking me "Are you sure you want to buy and download 'Another Rock and Roll Christmas' Single?" - what you don't see is that when I pressed the "Buy" button another window came up simply saying "REALLY??", when I clicked "Yes" it came up with another window "This is 79p you are going to spend on this ... Think Carefully". So I clicked on "Yes I do want to buy this" and it started downloading, but I sensed that somewhere a computer came to life in a government building and starting to snoop around my computer to see if there was anything suspicious on it. Imagine their surprise when all they found was pictures of cats and a massive folder full of fundraising ideas and event photos! Take that M.I.B.!!
So now you have been subjected to another one of my vents I will bow out. If you have got this far then I congratulate you, if you got about three sentences through and gave up then I also congratulate you (though you won't actually see me congratulating you) for not allowing me to ruin your special time of year.
All that is left is for me to wish you all a very prosperous Christmas and a Happy New Year. If you are not of the Christian Faith then I wish you Happy Holidays. If you do not celebrate anything at this time of year then please send me your address and I will be round with box-sets of Blackadder and Green Wing so we can let this whole season pass us by!
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